On the 4th of July, I couldn’t help but think of freedom in a whole new way this year.  Since I have a personal encounter of my own freedom, it made we appreciate more than ever before the freedom that we have in our country.  There was one night about 3 days after the earthquake that I laid in bed trying to fall asleep as the tears welled up in my eyes.  It was the first time that my freedom as a citizen of the United States really meant something to me.  All because I had a US passport, I was able to leave Haiti at any moment, no questions asked.  It seemed so unfair to me yet there was an underlying amount of comfort.  I had seen lines of people doing everything they could to maybe get a chance to escape the pain and suffering we were all living in.  I had dear friends that were trying to get their children that were in the process of adoption out and there were many challenges.  It made me think, freedom is a gift and I need to thank ALL who have served our country to make freedom what it is today.

This past Friday I celebrated my 35th birthday! I couldn’t have asked for a better day.  I started out my day waking up at the cabin with some of my dearest friends.  It was a beautiful morning so I set out on a walk.  As I looked around at God’s creation, I just felt different.  This is a feeling that some of you have experienced before but for me it was a first.  I had so much gratitude for life in that moment.  I didn’t want any gifts for my birthday (I usually have a pretty good list). I was so content to be alive and celebrating my life.  To be so close to death, has made me reevaluate all I am, all I have and all I want to be.  I have so much to give thanks for and on my birthday it just seemed to be more of a gift than I could have ever imagined.

As I sit and reflect this morning (Monday), I can’t help but have some heaviness in my heart.  Six months ago, this afternoon was the earthquake.  It is hard to imagine that it really did happen and all that has gone on in my life and those around me I love so dearly.  Lots of good has happen, but there is so much that still needs to be done.  Please continue to pray for the people of Haiti, the missionaries that are living their lives to help the best they can and for the government of Haiti. It seems pretty challenging and overwhelming today but God is bigger than I can imagine and I need to give it over to Him.

I have now been back in the States from Haiti for just about a week.  It is a very different feeling than I have ever had before.  I can say with confidence that I feel healed and whole.  I was seeking healing on this trip but I never imagined that it could feel this good.  The trip was laced with many ups and downs but I feel that it was all part of what made me now feel whole.  This chapter of my life can now be closed but closed in a healthy way.  I am not looking back with regrets and things I wish I would have done differently. I am content and ready to move forward.

On Thursday morning, I “graduated” from counseling.  It was a wonderful feeling.  I told my therapist John when I started that I was seeking counseling to be sure that I came out on the other side of this tragic event as healthy as I could possibly be.  I wanted to be sure that I processed it all in a way that I would feel closure and I would not look back in years to come and realize I had so much that I didn’t resolve.  I am not foolish to think that in the rest of my days here on earth that I will not encounter any other tragic events.  I want to be able to handle and manage them in a healthy way and I feel that I have proved to myself that I am capable of doing just that.

Although the journey has been long and hard I feel that I am “in the light” at the end of the tunnel.  I knew I could get here I just wasn’t certain how or when.  I have arrived and I feel whole.

Now I can move forward; for myself, my family, my friends, my people in Haiti and doing it all while clumsily following Jesus!

Thanks to each and everyone of you for your amazing support. This journey wouldn’t have been complete without each one of you along the way.

Abundantly blessed!

Joanna

Today was a good day.  I did have to say goodbye to my friends but saying goodbye only for a while and certain I will see them again soon. 

Gertrude picked me up at Heartline about noon.  We headed back to the orphanage and were met at the gate by the adorable kids returning home from school.  They are so precious and have smiles that can light up a room. 

There are only 3 guests including myself tonight so we thought it would be fun to go to Epidor and bring pizzas home for dinner.  Something simple and fun (or so we thought). We ventured out with Gertrude’s brother and half way into the trip on a narrow busy road our car stopped.  This hasn’t happened to me before.  After trying several things with no success to get it started, Gertrude, Rosie and I got out to push.  It was muddy and there I was with a skirt and flip-flops.  We pushed the car enough and he was able to do a clutch start (I have no clue what that means but it worked).  He got us to the site of the old, crumbled guesthouse and we waited for another ride to pick us up and continue the trip. 

On our way to get the pizza, we stopped at Venia’s home.  I first met Venia in 2005.  She has been the cook at the guesthouse for as long as I have stayed there.  She like many others lost her home in the earthquake.  She lives with her 4 grown children.  They are so delightful.  Thanks to many of your extremely generous donations, we are helping Venia and her family rebuild.  Going to see her and the start of her new home was such a blessing for me. 

Venia and I with 2 of her children inside the start of their new home

There seems to be very little progress on anything here.  So it did my heart good to see that for one very special family, their dream of a new home is coming true.  Thanks so much to all of you!

We finally made it through all the traffic and got our pizzas to go.  While we were in getting our order it once again started to rain. (no thunder tonight! Praise God!) I think this is the 4th or 5th night of rain.  So many of the streets have streams of water running through them.  I will tell you, this water is far from clean.  It just is so sad to me that people are living in the conditions that they are and still have so many challenges. 

Water pouring down the street on our way back to the orphanage

We had a fun evening of eating pizza and your guessed it, playing Uno. 

Goodnight one last time from Haiti!  May God continue to bless you richly. I know that leaving here I am feeling abundantly blessed!

So Saturday morning seemed to be just another day in Haiti.  I was feeling as little apprehensive because it was going to be the first night that I was going to sleep in the building that I was in when the Earthquake hit.  My mind knows that I am safe but this was going to be one of the things that I was going to successfully conquer on this trip.  I keep telling my Haitian friends that they should be staying in their homes but then here I sit full of apprehension.

I spent the morning and the afternoon tending to the patients at the field hospital so that the day nurse could take a sick child up to a rescue center for nourishment.  It was a fun day to get to spend with the patients.  I really enjoy the time that I get to spend with them and get to know them a little more.  Everyone of them has an incredible story.

When finished, I walked back to the guesthouse in the smoldering heat and after arriving decided that I could use a little rest before dinner. 

Some of you know that one of my greatest weaknesses since the earthquake and to this day are thunderstorms. (To me the sound of the earthquake was a thunderstorm x 100) I had just walked down the stairs of the guesthouse into the kitchen after a short rest when the first huge clap of thunder shook the house.  I handled myself pretty well, I think mostly because there were many guests in the kitchen, none whom I knew very well.  Then the storm ramped up and really got the best of me. It was a massive downpour, so much that some of the streets are still flooded.  As the thunder got louder and drew closer, I began to panic and couldn’t hold myself together.  I began to shake and cry.  I was so lucky to have 2 wonderful caring women that came to my rescue to comfort me and love me through this traumatic time.  It lasted about 30 minutes.  In between each clap of intense thunder, I was able to verbalize that I knew I was safe and nothing was going to happen to me.  Just when I would calm down, the next clap of thunder would hit and would send me again into a tail spin.  I HATE losing control like that.  It will get better with time I hope.  Once I was able to calm down, I thought about it and believe that this was part of my healing that God had me endure.  It was intense but I made it and I think these tough steps are what are going to make me whole again. 

After finally pulling it together enough we went to our usual community  dinner.  It was a little tough but I was able to gain the strength I needed.  It made the thought of sleeping at the Women’s center seem like a piece of cake.  I can say at this moment that I have overcome some huge obstacles this trip.  Mission accomplished. 

Once we got to the Women’s Center, we were just getting ready for bed and we got a call that a woman was coming in labor.  It was a great way to finish off an intense evening.  We had a beautiful birth of an adorable baby boy at 11:05pm. 

Slept really well and got up in time to bring the mom and her new baby over to the field hospital to be watched for a while.  We then headed up to church.  Remember this is a huge highlight of my week.  I love this place.  I was able to see the 2 nurses that I had the pleasure of working with my first 2 nights after the earthquake.  It was so great to reconnect with them. 

Arriving home after church, I wasn’t feeling very well.  I was hot, nauseated and had a headache.  I am sure it was a combination of many elements.  So I spent the afternoon relaxing in bed. It was too hot to sleep but I got time to relax.

After I felt a little better, I went to the hospital to see everyone. Spent time at the guesthouse. We then finished the night with dinner and outdoor worship. It was so hard to say good-bye to all the amazing people who have so blessed my life. 

Tonight, as I type, I am staying again at the Women’s Center with Jonna.  We had a great night visiting and just being together again.  Tomorrow (Monday) Gertrude will pick me up and I will spend my last day with her at the orphanage. 

So much can happen in so few hours.  Life is short. Make the most of each moment!

PS:  Now my trip is really complete, the roosters were back last night! Hate to say it but for one night it wasn’t that bad.  I also got to use a sheet when I slept, mostly to keep the mosquitos away but I didn’t melt. 

Hope everyone got to enjoy Father’s Day in one way or another.  I am so grateful for you Dad, I miss you, love you and will see you this weekend!

Anne and I spent the morning at the field hospital with the kids and listening to some of the patients tell their stories. It was very powerful.  Anne said her good byes and we took her to the airport.  I can’t find the words to thank Anne enough for taking this journey with  me.  It was a huge sacrifice for her and her family and she did so well.  I am so blessed to call you my dear friend Anne! I will be praying for you as you attempt to transition back to ”your reality.” It is tough but I know that you have lots of people around to love you.  Thanks for loving me. 

Baby Aiden stole Anne's heart!

I spent the afternoon at the Heartline Women’s Center helping Jonna pack and organize.  The Women’s Center is moving to a new home next week so I spent the afternoon back in post earthquake role, organizing medications. It was great to spend time with Jonna.

This evening I got the pleasure of joining John for 2 hours of prayer and praise at his church. I enjoyed the ride to the church with John to have time with him to really learn.  He is an incredible man with so much wisdom and love.  I had never been to an event that all you did was pray for 2 hours. I was very relaxing and enjoyable.  There was a band made up of Haitian musicians that did an incredible job leading worship.  What a great evening to reflect, rejoice, mourn and heal.  So much to give thanks for in my life.

Good morning! We saw that there were major storms in Minnesota last night.  Our thoughts and prayers go out to all of those that lost loved ones, are injured, and those affected in any way. 

Yesterday, Anne and I had a wonderful day.  We were able to enjoy the day at Wahoo Beach.  It is about an hour and a half drive out of Port au Prince.  Leonard drove us and it is always wonderful to spend a day with him.  His wife, daughter, grandson, Gertrude and Rosie joined us for a day of fun, sun and relaxation.  I was happy that we had this opportunity for Anne to see the beauty of Haiti before she flies home today. 

Theo, Rosie and I at the beach!

While we were driving yesterday, Anne said “Look up, it is so beautiful.”  We talked about how often when we are driving or walk in PAP that we are looking down or forward to avoid tripping a collision.  Plus there is so much to observe right in front of you. When you do look up it is amazing.  The beauty of the mountains, lush trees, magnificent sky are all right there as a gift. The beach is a true gift of beauty as well.  Then it got me thinking, in this country that is over taken by trash, dust and heat there is so much beauty.  Sometimes you need to look a little harder but it is definitely there.  I find the most beauty in the eyes of the people.  Take a moment and really look someone in the eyes and you can see the beauty of their heart. 

On our drive, I also was thinking about how often in my life I spend most of my time looking right in front of me.  I should be spending much more of my time looking up to Jesus.  He will never leave me and is always such a comfort.  Now that is beauty! 

After our amazing day we arrived back at Heartline guesthouse.  We enjoy another great meal and then walked to see the patients at the hospital.  They bring us so much joy.  To think many of them have been there for months and this is their new family and home.  We did get a pretty big thrill when we saw 2 gigantic rats.  It was so nasty.  Of course, I started jumping and screaming.  The Haitians got a huge kick out of it and some good laughs. Once we arrived back at the guesthouse, Anne saw a spider, I think she said the size of Texas but regardless we both got a good scream in for the evening. 

Last night was miserable sleeping.  It was so hot; I was pouring sweat all night.  I went to bed cuddling with my ice-cold water bottle.  Never done that before. I did keep thinking that as miserable as I was that I was at least not sleeping under a tarp or in a steaming tent. The heat seems hard to escape this morning.  I feel for all those living in tent cities and without the luxury of a fan. 

Once again, giving thanks!

We drove to see the new school that they are building, as theirs collapsed.  We then took Karen and our friend Kim out to Heartline so they could check out the purses.  After a little shopping there, Karen took us up to Petionville to do a little more shopping and to a coffee shop.  It is so crazy how you can quick forget you are in Haiti.  When we sit in the house and can’t see the outside world due to the gate that encircles our home for protection, I can quickly forget what lies on the other side.  It has made me think all day about how easy it is for me to dismiss lots of things in my everyday life.  If they are out of sight they are sometimes out of mind. Amazing to me how the mind works and some how allows you to “forget”. If even just for a moment.  Then it made me think about Jesus and how if I go about my business and don’t feel that I “need” him how sometimes I forget that He is always with me. 

Haiti is amazing for so many reasons but I love that it makes me think, appreciate and love a little more selflessly!

We spent the rest of the evening enjoying a wonderful lasagna meal with great friends.  We laughed, shared stories and played some cards.  Seeing and spending time with all of them was another key to my healing.  This trip so far is just what my heart as needed.

Anne and I spent the day at Heartline’s Women’s program.  Today was child development class.  There were about 40 mom’s with their babies.  All mom’s are eligible for the program till their child is 6 months old.  It is was great to see so many babies doing so well. There were so many smiling faces!  Most of them were born after the earthquake.

After a full day we came back to the guesthouse and played with the kids at the orphanage.  They love any attention they can get.  They are so adorable.

While eating dinner it started to rain.  It was nice for us because it caused it to cool down a bit but I couldn’t stop thinking about all the people living in tents and under tarps.  Rain is not a welcome thing for them. Once again, life is so hard and so unfair.  I hope that when I return home in a week that I will not take for granted how amazing and comfortable my life really is.

We spent the evening once again playing Uno with Rosie.  She laughs with pure joy every time we play. 

I timed it today and the average lifespan of an ice-cube is less than 5 minutes.  It is incredible.  I am getting used to drinking luke warm to warm water.  I guess it is the least I can sacrifice.  So much to give thanks for!

Have a blessed day!

PS: Believe it or not, I have not heard one rooster at night yet!  I may regret posting this. They may come out with a vengance tonight.

Yesterday (Monday) was another day of ups and downs.  When I say that the ups definitely outweigh the downs.  Anne and I spent much of the day waiting.  As I have posted before, this is very common in Haiti.  Gertrude was going to pick us up in the morning.  Then she called and said she would be there by 2pm, she finally arrived at 4:00pm.  We made the most of our time.  We actually had lots of fun.  We spent some time in the morning at the Heartline field hospital.  It was fun for me to go and spend a little time with the patients.  Many of them are our first patients that we saw after the earthquake.  They were having so much fun gathered around watching the soccer game.  It was fun to see them having so much fun together as a community.  We also spent some time jumping on the trampoline with Rosemond and Emmanuel. I thought I was hot and sweaty before. 

We then did a little damage shopping at the Heartline giftshop.  The women sew beautiful purses and I think we purchased most of them!!.  We pretended that we were out for the day shopping at Ridgedale!! 

Gertrude and a car full of friends picked us up and we made our way to the orphanage. This is always a bittersweet place for me. I love being with the kids but I hate that they have to live in these conditions.  I just think that every child should go to be at night knowing they are loved.  I know this isn’t true for many kids around the world but it breaks my heart.  I do know that Gertrude and the nannies love these children but I hope that they can feel the love. 

We did get to spend time and play Uno with Rosie.  She just arrived back in Haiti on Sunday.  So fun to see her.

Anne and I were getting a little slap happy and when we were getting ready for bed we really got the giggles.  We positioned our fans and were ready to crawl in for the night.  We forgot to put on bug spray.  Note to self, don’t put on bug spray in front of a oscelating fan.  It tastes terrible and burns the eyes!  It was fun to go to be laughing after a long day.

My friend Beth said today, “Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole
staircase. Just take the first step.” – Dr Martin Luther

I started out my morning at Port au Prince Fellowship church. This is where my friends John and Beth McHoul pastor.  As I sat there this morning worshiping to great music among my Haitian and American friends, I realized that this is one of my favorite places on earth.  At that moment the world felt so small. 
John preached on brokeness and how we all need to experience to become whole.  It really got me thinking.  I am in a country that is more broken that my mind can even comprehend and when will it be fulfill to wholeness.  Then I stop to think, what is it to be whole.  My mind quickly become overwhelmed and I found myself shutting down.  

It was great at church to see so many friends and how they are adapting to their new lives in Haiti.  For this I am hopeful. 

After church we spent the day with my friend Patrick.  He and I have been friends since 2005.  He was the driver for Gerturde and we got to be good friends over the years.  He took Anne and I out to the countryside where he bought a piece of land that he is going to build his home.  It was so sad.  It was like I was in the desert.  Not a tree to be seen and right in the scorching sun.  He is in the process of digging a 10 foot hole so he will be able to have a water tank on his property.  But like everything, he will build as he has the money. It could take years to complete the project.  I was so overwhelmed but he was so excited and was so certain that this is going to someday be a great community.  Who am I to be discouraged when I am not the one that will ever need to live in anything like this.  

On our way back to town, we were talking about Patrick’s father that was killed in the earthquake.  Once Patrick found his father’s body he did build a casket and also had him buried in a cemetery.  This was very rare to do especially after the quake but Patrick wanted to honor his father.  Since we were driving past the cemetery, I told Patrick that if he wanted to stop we would go with him to see his father’s grave.  In retrospect, this was a terrible idea.  I should tell you that all the graves are built above ground.  I know I was freaking myself out but after winding through the tombs I couldn’t take it anymore.  I was yelling for Patrick telling him I needed to get out.  Just then, I looked down and there were bones lying on the ground.  I am a nurse, therefore I took anatomy and it was certainly leg bones that were on the ground.  I got out of there are quickly as possible without even getting to see his father’s grave and Patrick following behind me laughing out of control. 

We went to see Patrick’s son Evan. He is adorable and getting so big.  I think I can say that he was excited to see me.  This hasn’t always been the case. We spent a little time at their home and enjoyed seeing the kids.  

We then went to TiJean’s new house.  He and his brother live in a small apartment.  He was so proud to show us his new place.  He had a couple friends over watching soccer.  It is a huge deal here right now.  We then drove to see the remains of the Providence guesthouse that I once called home.  It was so sad to see once again.  The large pieces of broken cement are now crushed into smaller pieces.  Still lots of rubble that will need to be moved before any rebuilding can take place.  

Patrick, TiJean and I at the site of the guesthouse

We then took a tour of downtown. We saw the palace, the Catholic cathedral and multitudes of tent cities.  I think this is when I got so overwhelmed. All of this was so much to take in.  I lost sight of “it matters to that one”. I started questioning if what I am doing is even making one bit of difference. The needs are undescribable and massive.  In such a hopeless place, I see so many Haitians being so hopeful.  I think it is a good lesson to myself.  God is so much greater that all of this but do I really believe that He is as big as he is? 

Anne and I with the fallen Palace behind us.

Once we returned back to the guesthouse we had a little downtime before we went and had Thanksgiving dinner with the “Heartline family.” Since the earthquake, each night someone from the Heartline team cooks for all the staff and volunteers.  It is so fun to be part of such an amazing community.  Also, since the earthquake, every Sunday night John has a time of outdoor worship after dinner.  It is so powerful to worship under the canopy of stars that I see when I am in Haiti and the same stars I am under at the cabin.  That makes the world so much smaller once again.  

Anne and I with our dear friend, John! What an amazing man.